Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
