That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
