At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
