know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
