dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
