Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
