Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
