Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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