Your dad touched me again.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
