i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
