I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
