I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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