I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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