I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
