We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
