hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
