She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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