i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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