I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
