This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
