apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
