Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I wish there were birth control emojis
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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