I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
