Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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