You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
