youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
