: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You took a bar mat shot.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
