He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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