I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
