when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
