I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
