he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize