i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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