So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
