i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
