forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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