im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
