She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
