Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
