so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
