I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
