Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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