you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
