this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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