I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
