My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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