Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
