I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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