I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize