I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
