please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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