uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
