God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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