just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
