I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
