There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
