tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
