This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
