In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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