Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
