Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize