You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
